Jokes

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.

My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

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What is the longest word in the English language?

SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

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A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.

B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

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A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"

The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.

"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

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A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.

Shakespeare

شکسپیر گفت

I always feel happy, you know why?
من همیشه خوشحالم، می دانید چرا؟

Because I don't expect anything from anyone,
برای اینکه از هیچکس برای چیزی انتظاری ندارم،

Expectations always hurt .. Life is short .. So love your life ..
انتظارات همیشه صدمه زننده هستند .. زندگی کوتاه است .. پس به زندگی ات
عشق بورز...

Be happy .. And keep smiling .. Just Live for yourself and ..
خوشحال باش .. و لبخند بزن .. فقط برای خودت زندگی کن و...

Before you speak » Listen
قبل از اینکه صحبت کنی » گوش کن

Before you write » Think
قبل از اینکه بنویسی » فکر کن

Before you spend » Earn
قبل از اینکه خرج کنی » درآمد داشته باش

Before you pray » Forgive
قبل از اینکه دعا کنی » ببخش

Before you hurt » Feel
قبل از اینکه صدمه بزنی » احساس کن

Before you hate » Love
قبل از تنفر » عشق بورز

That's Life … Feel it, Live it & Enjoy it.
زندگی این است ... احساسش کن، زندگی کن و لذت ببر